Tenderness and longing of my heart

Can my tenderness and longing of my heart ever be embraced, understood. Will I forever be a slave to my exterior, to others misunderstandings and projections of me. Will others always see the monster in Charles Bukowski and not his tender heart. Will I always be a target of emotional assassination, because of my tenderness and daring outside of the conventional. Will these I know and don't know forever try to destroy me on different levels and not comprehend, cherish and nourish my tender longings of my being.

Putting intelligence and gifts over my desires and sentimentality

Putting intelligence and gifts over my desires and sentimentality

To

She was my greatest truth for a while.

She was my greatest truth for a while. She taught me not to be afraid of myself, of my nature, to really not care about what others think. Her wild live embracing madness freed me from the suffocating madness of the cowards normality of those that take refuge in standard bearing socially defined roles of maturity and normality. What I fear, what I know. Only the strong and broken of equal power to me are able, are capable and willing to be there for me enough to truly and accurately reflect me back to myself, to allow me to encounter, to know the truth of myself, the real truth, of my powers, needs and wants were I can live out what is really mine and satisfying. Copyright © 2015 Anthony Cavuoti All Rights Reserved

How I feel at times

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYOhUmOlndg

THE

B

Always there

It was so natural, almost no effort, nothing forced. Feeling, surrender, active. Such tenderness, such connection, such passion, it was like swimming in a lovely dream of passion. Once, there, it was as if I was always there.

Coffee table

Her one room studio apartment is small, but it is crowded with her artful style, her humanity. By her bed that we sit on to watch TV there is her white coffee table. She makes these delicious complex meals, we eat on the high small coffee table while watching TV. She has black licorice jelly beans and many other candies set along the far edges of the side of the table away from the bed. . Emergency candy for her diabetes. I can’t resist it. She always keeps the table and the white rug under it so clean. So well kept. She is so vigilant with the table. It is so small but it is her domain, her control. She is so very generous with this small space and so very exacting My heart goes out to her and her tireless efforts on the small table that somehow symbolizes part of her life. Such boundless lovely energy balancing on such of a small space. Somehow she pulls it off. Except for a few well placed looks at times all is so very pleasant, nothing falls.

I followed her into the darkness and got lost.

I followed her into the darkness and got lost but I found my lost side, my dark half. She was more than my fight flight response gone mad. She was my other half.

To the last lady I dated

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKBRc8zNQ30

Candy Girl

As she puts the glass back on the bar and looks at me she says, You lost something.   I do not know why or how you lost it, but you  lost your real power  that you pretend   you do not possess.  Your  hiding from your self, but you know you lost your balls.  She nonchalantly calls to  the bartender who is very familiar with her to give her another Gin and club soda.  She turns towards me again powerfully.  Now such as in such moments , it is as if she is channeling while seeing through me and into the concealed forgotten chambers of the depths of my soul. Now she has a hold of  a deep subline hidden corner of my soul, of a mysterious bardo depths of such consequence.  Her words sing of truth,  gliding they   carry such profound weight though  her character  can seem questionable at times.  I  am stunned,numbed  and arrested by the unknown source of the certain truths  she knows of me , I  am  thoroughly convinced for certain that my  entire life is being altered by the  conveyances of her utterances.    I feel exposed, ashamed, yet sense that she deeply and truly  adores me.

There are moments of incandescence which I can not explain

There are moments of incandescence which I can not explain. Part of it is the byproduct of a great effort and steadfastness. Still, when I am faced with overwhelming odds, when all seems lost, the depths of my soul calls out for truth, and it is there.

Life, is full of so many unexpected surprises

Life, is full of so many unexpected surprises, they come and go, you are let down hard, it seems as if you will never feel that certain something again, you meet and find what you need and desire and the possibilities of the healing of your pain and the expansion of your more mature longings are there, but now you are so cool with it, you prefer it, not cling to it, in fact you do not trust it, you do not go with it, you keep to your self as you have some fun but you wait, and know you will wait very long, for the pain and trauma had taught you well. And that is enough, which is enough. If this makes no sense, i understand but some day you will come around and see.

Let it speak to you

Each moment is God, that is all eternity, believe in it and yourself and let it speak to you. You have the liberating insight and power to free many.

When you feel what you really feel

When you feel what you really feel; when you allow your self to be guided by your feelings, instead of pretending and saying to yourself that you should not feel such and such a of way, you oriented your self to your truth, that is you have a more real,a deeper and more solid sense of your self. You are true to your real self as well as your needs as you walk on the solid ground of your life, not a fake life or someone else’s life. Copyright © 2015 Anthony Cavuoti All Rights Reserved

people with dyslexia are not imprison by the limits imposed

The laws of nature are different and more subtle and complete than the laws of language. People with dyslexia are not imprison by the limits imposed my the rules and laws of language. They have reality with them, which is magic. Copyright © 2015 Anthony Cavuoti All Rights Reserved

Clarity of being

Life and death, clarity of being, in the eternal cycle of seen and unseen, day and night and all of the degrees of light in-between, Copyright © 2015 Anthony Cavuoti All Rights Reserved

Deeply found even when you hide.

Put yourself in a position where you are not fragmented, where your soul, where your wondrous depths will come through. If you hide from your self in her, and in her sweet desires make certain that it is satisfying and worth the high price you will paid. In fact make certain that she and you are one, that she is more of you than you. From here you are more deeply found even when you hide. Copyright © 2015 Anthony Cavuoti All Rights Reserved

To our self more and more each time.

Each life awakens us more and more, deeper and deeper, to our self more and more each time. We might not see it now, feel it now, understand it now, get the full meaning of it, appreciate it, understand its influences, most likely not, or only very minimally. But each life no matter what contributes to us, our individual evolution and the collective evolution. Each life is like a leaf, and each life is a new leaf on the new tree, a tree in a different country or in a different continent or time or another time or in another world, or on the exact same tree, in the exact same location. The organic leaf it self lives and dies each time, but the essence of it, it’s uniqueness belongs to an ecological system of subtle forces that are part of the changing foundation of time space, and the seen and unseen forces with their many intermittent vaporous manifestations. Copyright © 1993 Anthony Cavuoti All Rights Reserved