Tenderness and longing of my heart

Can my tenderness and longing of my heart ever be embraced, understood. Will I forever be a slave to my exterior, to others misunderstandings and projections of me. Will others always see the monster in Charles Bukowski and not his tender heart. Will I always be a target of emotional assassination, because of my tenderness and daring outside of the conventional. Will these I know and don't know forever try to destroy me on different levels and not comprehend, cherish and nourish my tender longings of my being.

Putting intelligence and gifts over my desires and sentimentality

Putting intelligence and gifts over my desires and sentimentality

To

She was my greatest truth for a while.

She was my greatest truth for a while. She taught me not to be afraid of myself, of my nature, to really not care about what others think. Her wild live embracing madness freed me from the suffocating madness of the cowards normality of those that take refuge in standard bearing socially defined roles of maturity and normality. What I fear, what I know. Only the strong and broken of equal power to me are able, are capable and willing to be there for me enough to truly and accurately reflect me back to myself, to allow me to encounter, to know the truth of myself, the real truth, of my powers, needs and wants were I can live out what is really mine and satisfying. Copyright © 2015 Anthony Cavuoti All Rights Reserved

How I feel at times

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYOhUmOlndg

THE

B

Always there

It was so natural, almost no effort, nothing forced. Feeling, surrender, active. Such tenderness, such connection, such passion, it was like swimming in a lovely dream of passion. Once, there, it was as if I was always there.

Coffee table

Her one room studio apartment is small, but it is crowded with her artful style, her humanity. By her bed that we sit on to watch TV there is her white coffee table. She makes these delicious complex meals, we eat on the high small coffee table while watching TV. She has black licorice jelly beans and many other candies set along the far edges of the side of the table away from the bed. . Emergency candy for her diabetes. I can’t resist it. She always keeps the table and the white rug under it so clean. So well kept. She is so vigilant with the table. It is so small but it is her domain, her control. She is so very generous with this small space and so very exacting My heart goes out to her and her tireless efforts on the small table that somehow symbolizes part of her life. Such boundless lovely energy balancing on such of a small space. Somehow she pulls it off. Except for a few well placed looks at times all is so very pleasant, nothing falls.

I followed her into the darkness and got lost.

I followed her into the darkness and got lost but I found my lost side, my dark half. She was more than my fight flight response gone mad. She was my other half.

To the last lady I dated

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKBRc8zNQ30

Candy Girl

As she puts the glass back on the bar and looks at me she says, You lost something.   I do not know why or how you lost it, but you  lost your real power  that you pretend   you do not possess.  Your  hiding from your self, but you know you lost your balls.  She nonchalantly calls to  the bartender who is very familiar with her to give her another Gin and club soda.  She turns towards me again powerfully.  Now such as in such moments , it is as if she is channeling while seeing through me and into the concealed forgotten chambers of the depths of my soul. Now she has a hold of  a deep subline hidden corner of my soul, of a mysterious bardo depths of such consequence.  Her words sing of truth,  gliding they   carry such profound weight though  her character  can seem questionable at times.  I  am stunned,numbed  and arrested by the unknown source of the certain truths  she knows of me , I  am  thoroughly convinced for certain that my  entire life is being altered by the  conveyances of her utterances.    I feel exposed, ashamed, yet sense that she deeply and truly  adores me.